Breathtaking...

So I haven't blogged in a really long time and I need to just talk about all the marvelous things God has been doing in my life...

All throughout high school I wanted to graduate so I didn't have to see those people EVER again. It wasn't until my senior year that God truly gripped my heart so tight that made me have compassion for those I see everyday and try to make a positive impact on their life. I felt that my mission to spread the gospel in such a dark environment was such a hard task but I was ready to do whatever I had to do...until that meant I would be losing friendships. I love people...I love just being able to sit there and talk for hours about absolutely nothing. People are my passion and so when I'm able to be in their company and chat, it's awesome. When I started to see a difference in the way people were treating me because they knew I would eventually strike up a conversation about what Christ has done in my life, the people slowly started to fade away and I didn't like that. Sadly, the fix this selfish problem, I started to retreat back to my way of fixing things by trying to be the "cool" kid. I want for people to like me and not "shun" me when I walk in a room so for them to like me, I stopped talking about Christ and spreading the gospel! HOW AWFUL OF ME! At the time, things were great because I was able to make more friendships and spend the last couple weeks of high school just hanging out and laughing with "friends". Looking back, oh my goodness...I feel so stupid for letting Satan just win me over like that!!! I wasn't strong enough to turn from my own selfish and sinful desires...this is so frustrating!!! Sin is ugly..I can't stand it...I wish we all didn't sin but we do...thankfully we have a gracious, merciful, and loving Savior who will accept my repentance and wash me white as snow.

This truly didn't smack me in the face until the middle of this week...a good friend of mine received a Bible as a graduation present. (To give a little background of our friendship:
I met him freshman year and he was just this crazy fool who wanted to make new friends and I was a crazy kid who thought he was funny so I wanted to be friends. All throughout high school he always talked about how he never really believed there was a God and so we had many, and i mean MANY, conversations about life and how we came about, the word and how it is God-breathed, and so many other things...but he never quite understood or even wanted to understand. I would consider this guy my best friend...he was always the only one throughout all four years who I could count on to never let me down or judge me. I would always tell him I was praying for him and would casually bring Christ up in conversations ever now and then. Well...in the beginning of our senior year, I told him I would really like for him to come to church with me some time. He said he would eventually when he got around to it, but he just didn't feel like that was where he needed to be. This guy felt that God didn't know him and wouldn't accept him for his awful past. That broke my heart so I told him all the time that Christians don't have perfect pasts and that they come from many different backgrounds and ones similar and a lot worse than his...but he never believed me.) Well, my friend texted me at the beginning of the week and said he had read a little of his bible. It kind of took me back and I was like whattt??? And he started to tell me about a few of the books and chapters he had read. My heart felt like it was doing flips. This was such exciting news. He then asked me if he could come to church with me some time soon. I told him that I would really like if he did and so I told him Sunday would be the best day for him to go. Well after that I gave him so bible verses to look over and some books to read through like Romans and such. Well he did...I had my graduation open house/party Saturday and invited him to come. When he showed up, a lot of my church members were already there so I made it a point to point him out and mention he would be at church the next day. We then were able to sit down and talk face to face about some of the things he was thinking and reading about. I had some answers but then told him that it wasn't right persay for me to be feeding him spiritually. I told him and my dad is a very Godly and knowledgeable man and that he loves to talk about the word and Christ so he should talk to my dad some time. My friend absolutely loves me dad and greatly respects him so this was a great opportunity. Well...they struck up a conversation and it just sort of led into talking about Christ and the things he has blessed us with and dad shared the gospel with him and his testimony. HOW AWESOME!!! I just want to point out that my dad is absolutely amazing and I love him so dearly. They had a pretty long conversation and at the end my friend texted me and told me that my dad had pretty much broke him and told him exactly what he needed to hear. I was never told what was said between them and didn't expect to, I was just super excited they had talked and my dad got through to him.

Today my friend came to church and you could tell he was struggling with some thoughts and he acted very differently than normal. After the service, he joined my mom, dad and me for lunch and we were able to just talk about where he was going to go in his life and other things. When we left he told me that he really appreciated all we have done for him and that he really enjoyed church. The sermon talked a lot about missions and it was funny because just Saturday night I was talking to him about the mission trips I'd love to take and what I want to do. My friend has just a big of heart for helping people that I do so this was neat for him to hear. He asked me about what mission people do. I told him at the very core of everything they do is Jesus Christ and sharing His gospel to all the ends of the earth. My friend didn't really understand what all ministry consisted of so we had a pretty good conversation about it and I clarified a few things I guess...But anyways..he told me he really enjoyed himself and he likes this change in his life and wants to start coming to church more often :) This is such exciting news and nobody but God deserves the glory for it! PRAISE BE TO HIM!!!!!

Well...as I'm sitting here, I'll have to admit, I'm crying. But it's not a sad cry. I am truly blessed beyond measure and I'm just now starting to realize it. When I got home from VBS tonight, my dad wanted to have a little chat on the porch. We ended up talking about the conversation he had with my friend. Like I said, I had no idea what they talked about so my dad was just telling me bits and pieces. He told me that my friend credits me and greatly respects me for never giving up on him. I saw his heart, not him for who he was. He said I never gave up on him by praying for him. This warms my heart...not because I did it, but because I can see God working on this guys heart and it's truly amazing because honestly I never saw it happening...but, our God is truly an awesome God and who am I to put limitations on Him!? My dad just talked to me about how proud he was of me and for the growth I have had spiritually in my life. This was such an encouragement.
I've truly been so blessed to have a such a God-fearing father, mother, and sisters. My mom is truly an amazing Christian woman who I hope one day I am able to be like. She wakes up at 4:15 throughout the week, fixes her coffee, and sits down to start her day in the word and in prayer. How humbling!!! I love my sleep so I always sleep in till the very last second so waking up early to read my bible would be a very big strain and this is horrible! My mother is so knowledgeable and I'll admit that I really did underestimate her...she has overcome so many things and I'm so proud to call her my mother!!! I just wish I could express to her how much she truly means to me and how much I look up to her.

But, it's late and I hate to cut this short but I really have to be getting to bed because I have to work in the morning. Please pray for my friend. God is tugging on his heart...he is just trying to decide if he wants to/how to respond.

Father, I want to thank you for the transformation you have made in my heart. Thank you for your word and what an encouraging and convicting book it is. It ismy prayer that you would be with my friend and continue to work in his life and if it be your will, use me in whatever way needed and that my father will be able to invest more in his life. God, I thank you for every circumstance and situation you have placed me in and allowed me to experience and grow from...

Overload...

This past week and a half I've just been somewhat of an emotional wreck. Monday night, a woman who was basically like my own grandmother passed away. She was a believer, but it still hurt to have to say for now you're gone but then again it was a blessing to know that it is not the last time I'll see her. My family and I haven't really been getting along "the best" lately because of different issues. I'm just to the point where I'm sick of it, but I'm not going to compromise where I'm at in my spiritual walk just to satisfy them and get along. I yearn for God's will in every circumstance and I'm going to follow that no matter what, even if that means disagreeing with my family. Before when I have fought with them, I just get tired of fighting so I just say "sorry" so things will smooth over....but not this time. I've tried with everything in me not to yell back, do what is asked of me, and to continue praying for them. It's like the closer I get in my relationship with Christ, the farther I get from my family. Then again, I can count this time as a blessing because satan is testing me. He knows that I've given my life completely to Christ and he doesn't want that, so he is using the most important thing to me on this Earth to try and rip me from Christ's hand. Guess what! It isn't going to work!!! Christ has given me the strength and wisdom to count this all a blessing and to follow even harder after Him.
Something else that has really been bothering me is my call to missions. It's just getting stronger and stronger. When I came home from Arizona I was just so passionate about being out there and sharing God's word with others, to love on people, and to dedicate my life to God's service. I considered going to Boyce to pursure international missions and talked to a few people about this feeling in more detail. Some laughed in my face, some encouraged me, and some just said well...is that what is really best? That hit me hard...
Well senior year has finally started winding down and I feel like I just took the safe road by going to IUS for special and elementary education. I've never wanted to be a teacher. I have a passion for kids and helping others to learn how to do things but never actually teaching. The only way I thought about teaching was if I was going to be in an orphanage teaching...but no...me trying to live my life my own way and taking the safe path that most expect me to take is being taken. It's really getting under my skin!!!!! I want so bady to be living a life pleasing to God so why do I keep having that "back up plan"!? If I say I want to wholeheartedly follow Christ then why am I ignoring His call on my life to do missions by getting a teaching degree?
I have so many thoughts rambling around in my brain, I just need to get them out.
Please pray for me and I'm struggling with these, and if you'd like to talk I'd be more than happy to :)
Have a blessed day and thanks for taking the time to read through my randomness :)

Father, I thank you for what a loving and judging God you are. I thank you for the transformation you have made in my heart and for the many trials you send my way. Allow me to remember that your ways are higher than mine and that continue to chip away my old self to become the beautiful creations you intended me to be. I ask that you be with my family and friends who are struggling with my passion for missions and just soften their hearts to the idea.

No Sacrifice

To you I give my life, not just the parts I want to

To you I sacrifice these dreams that I hold on to


Your thoughts are higher than mine

Your words are deeper than mine

Your love is stronger than mine

This is no sacrifice

Here's my life



To you I give the gifts

Your love has given me

How can I hoard the treasures that you've designed for free?



Because

Your thoughts are higher than mine

Your words are deeper than mine

Your love is stronger than mine

This is no sacrifice

Here's my life


To you I give my future

As long as it may last

To you I give my present

To you I give my past



Because

Your thoughts are higher than mine

Your words are deeper than mine

Your love is stronger than mine

Your thoughts are higher than mine

Your words are deeper than mine

Your love is stronger than mine

This is no sacrifice

Here's my life

Speechless....

So this weekend I was able to attend our winter youth retreat "Polar Expectations". It was definitely such an encouragement to just be surrounded with fellow believers and to be so completely moved in ways I haven't been in quite some time.
Friday night during our first session we watched a video by Louie Giglio, who was with Chris Tomlin on the Indescribable tour. The video in and of itself is very powerful and really hit me hard. After watching I couldn't just leave that time of worship and go hang out by the campfire and act like it didn't happen. I just wanted to fall completely on my face and worship Christ. So I did. Everyone was around the fire and I sat back then walked around a little bit to just praise God and worship in ways I haven't done in awhile.... So back to this video, it has definitely put some thing into perspective for me so I started to look up more information about it. I came across another blog that one of the people attending the tour wrote...I copied most of what he wrote about it but also added some things to it pertaining mostly to myself.

The heavens are telling the glory of God, and their expanse declares the work of His hands. Night after night they remind us of just how small we are, and how huge God is. Looking out into the far reaches of the universe, we find a seemingly infinite expanse of mystery and wonder, intricately fashioned by a God of unfathomable size and power. Just a glimpse of one of the billions of visible galaxies He has formed resizes us, shrinking us, and the world we call home, to seeming insignificance in an instant. But as tiny as we may seem, the God who knows every star by name also knows yours, and mine. And in the most stunning rescue imaginable, God sent His Son to this spinning planet we call home --the Creator reconnecting us to Him with life that never ends.

So, How Great is Our God?
M51, or the whirlpool galaxy, astronomers call it the "darling of astronomy." This shows us two things about this galaxy in the deep reaches of space:

1) Every second there are new stars being born....did you get that? EVERY SECOND A NEW STAR IS BORN!!! Millions of star incubators are found within the whirlpool galaxy.
2) Not only that, but at the center of this galaxy is a black hole which the Hubble Telescope took a picture of...and wow, check this out

The entire universe displays God's fingerprint and this is just one example...the cross of Jesus was on the mind of God even as he was creating the universe.


Every living creature has laminin inside of them...the purpose of laminin is that it basically keeps our bodies from falling apart. It holds us together as one united whole.
The laminin looks like this....
Amazing huh??? I thought so...
The cross is EVERYWHERE...it casts a shadow over the entire universe...constantly reminding us of what Jesus did for the world.

Putting that picture back in our heads, Louie continued in the universe focusing on the stars with the purpose of showing us just how small we are and how BIG God is.

We are fearfully and wonderfully made...by such a marvelous creator who knows us inside and out, God. I just can't comprehend how someone who calls themselves an unbeliever can see these things and not question. There is so much detail in everything God created....flowers (how the define gravity and suck water up from the ground), a galaxy (I don't think I even need to explain that, the pictures say enough)....and especially us (because we are made in the likeness of Him...man, what a humbling thing to remind yourself of.

Butterflies :)

I have really just been in one of those blah stages here lately. Things with work are really starting to take a toll on me. I'm just at the breaking point where I just want to quit. It just isn't as enjoyable as it use to be. My kids aren't helping with that either. Yeah they have their days where they are just amazing and so much fun, but the usual is them disrespecting and talking to me like I don't matter. I'm flat out sick of it! Today I had to opportunity to fill in at my old child care site and it just made me realize how miserable I am. It was the first day I actually held a conversation with an adult, laughed with my kids, played with my kids, and didn't leave wanting to cry.
On top of all that I'm trying to apply for scholarships, which in itself is a roller-coaster ride. I fill out a very flattering application, then get word back "We regret to inform you...blah blah blah!" It just makes me so mad because I've worked so hard these last four years to maintain a very high GPA, be very involved with school, etc. I may seem selfish but I feel like I should be rewarded for that and it just aggravates me when people who already have college paid for apply for the same scholarships and win!!!! I'm like come on now, be fair!
Anyways....sorry for my ranting...I'm just really bogged down with this stuff recently and I needed to get it off my chest.
So...on the flip side, I've been doing really good with staying faithful in reading the book Martha gave me and my bible. It's awesome because I'm not just reading my bible to just say I read it, I'm reading it because I find so much more delight and encouragement in it than I can get off television, the radio, or somewhere else that's useless :)
So this is really short and choppy but that's my mind for ya ha oh and I have honestly no clue why I titled this butterflies but it was the first word that came to my head.

Just hits home....

I’m waiting
I’m waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I’m waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience

While I’m waiting
I will serve You
While I’m waiting
I will worship
While I’m waiting
I will not faint
I’ll be running the race
Even while I wait

I’m waiting
I’m waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I’m waiting on You, Lord
Though it’s not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait

I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting
I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting
I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting on You, Lord

The ugly side

Doubt is a very nasty thing.

I really don't understand why I doubt things so much. I'm not talking about doubt in the context of religion but doubting the things people say to me. I haven't really been going to bed early like I usual do here lately because I've been busy with Pre Calculus homework. Being up that late leaves me having trouble falling asleep, so what do I do? I lay around and think about things. For me thinking can be pretty deadly because when I think about things, I over analyze them. When I over analyze them, I doubt their truth. When I doubt their truth, I worry...