Sunday, November 22, 2009


These past couple of weeks have been pretty rough for me.
I was at such a low point just a little over a week ago and it was scary.
I have never been one to consider myself really emotional, depressed, or anything of that nature and last week that is what I experienced...
I had received a very unexpected phone call from someone that I hold very near and dear to my heart and it completely caught me off guard and I had no idea how to respond. I don't quite know where I stand with this and that is what I'm so confused about....part of me wants to fix things but the other part feels like I should just drop it and move on. Lion King says it quite well: "The past can hurt. But the way I see it, you can either run from it, or learn from it." The result was sad but I hope it is for the better. I have no idea what God has in store for this part of my life but I wish only for His strength and guidance to get through it.

On a lighter note...I've actually found some time to read something that I want to read for the first time in quite a while. I was given a book quite a ways back called "Do I Know God?" by Tullian don't ask me how to pronounce his name because I have absolutely no clue! I'm really excited to be reading this book because to be honest...this is a question I have found myself asking quite a few times. Tchividjian starts out this book with a story of a friend who asks this very question. His friend had recently heard a sermon on Matthew 7 which talks about how God said there will be many who go through life thinking they know God when in reality they don't. This passage can be convicting for anyone struggling with uncertainty. God has created us all with the desire and need for Him and Him alone. This is why when we aren't in a strong relationship with Christ, we feel incomplete and uncertain. It is my hope that by reading this book it will not only enlighten me of the sin in my life which has lead to my feelings of uncertainty of truly knowing Christ but to be able to share it with others and help them to know, grow, and go in Christ.

Anyways, I'm going to keep this entry short because quite frankly I want to read and my last one was forever long :)
SO I wish all of you a wonderful and blessed, Lord Willing, week of Thanksgiving!

Tuesday, November 3, 2009


To be completely life feels like it is completely up in the air right now.
Just when things start to look up for me and I finally get back on track, something always slaps me hard in the face and brings me back to reality. I feel like I take 2 steps forward then, what feels like, 10 steps back.
To start things off:
At the beginning of this semester, I really did love college. Now, don't get me wrong; I love college it is just completely different than what I had been prepared for in high school. That first Monday I was boasting about how much I loved college and that it was going to be super easy. This made me go to classes on Tuesdays with a good feelings...I felt like "I got this, no need to worry!" Well I went into public speaking and realized it was going to take a lot more work than I had originally thought...I got the hang of it quickly but was something I was not use to. My teacher did not seem very approachable and our personalities just did not mix well. Over time, things became a little easier and now I current have a B+ in public speaking and couldn't be more proud.
The biggest root of all my problems is my night class.....oh boy. If I would have known what I was getting myself into sooner, I would have just dropped the class honestly. The first couple weeks of class were pretty good. All we did was going to class, take notes, then come home and do our homework online. My grade stayed between a 96-98. Then came the first test....well let's just say I did not do very well AT ALL! Apparently, when she said "if no work is shown, no credit is given" she meant it! I was so use to showing just parts of my work instead of every single little thing, that I go no credit whatsoever on almost all of my answers. Most of all my answers were correct, it's just the not showing work totally kick my butt! That dropped my grade I was in tears. I had gone from passing the class with a high A to a very low F. This is totally not like me at all. I have never actually failed a class in my life so this hit me pretty hard in my gut. I decided that since that first test was actually over 2 chapters and I didn't show my work that I could at least know what to expect on my second test since it was only over one chapter. Well apparently, when you "over-complicate" a problem yet still come to the same answer, you shouldn't get any credit for it either. I'm sorry but this particular thing really irritated me. I understand the not showing work, but if you can come to the same conclusion by just using a different process you should get credit for it!!! We all have different learning styles so we aren't all going to do work like another person thinks we should. It just really ticked me off that my teacher didn't give me any credit for problems that I had gotten right, just over-complicated it. Well me being the way I am, I just shrugged it off after crying about it for awhile and decided to just press on and keep trying the hardest I can. My last test that I took I felt pretty confident about. I had learned basically everything in my pre-cal class in high school so I knew I was going to do pretty good. Well I think when I'm confident about things I don't try as hard or something?? I really don't know. It's just like over time I feel overly confident, I do horrible and when I feel like I did horrible, I actually did horrible. But I have one final chapter test that I will take on December 1 and then my final on December 10. I'm not going to lie....I'm pretty nervous about it because I have to pass this class with at least a C so that I can apply to the School of Education. I'm currently at a 64 so "my fingers are crossed." But on the up side I do have a totally awesome sister that is going to be helping me study more..which I'm sooooo thankful for. It's like a hand coming out of the darkness to pull me up. I just pray that it actually helps me and that I can raise my grade to a C!!
I'm beginning to second guess a lot of things...I really have soooo many thoughts going through my head. In the end, I just needed to vent all this out because I'm seriously about to lose my mind. I've talked with my sister Kayla about all the things going on a lot but I felt like I just needed to get this off my chest more...I know God is the one who holds my future, but I just am finding myself struggling with handing it over to Him. I want to be able to see what my future holds to go after it wholeheartedly. With the path I'm on now, I'm so confused that I can't pursue what I'm doing wholeheartedly...anyways. If anybody actually read this silly little vent I appreciate it..hope you're having a better day/week/month than I am :)